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What you don’t know.

I don’t have nicknames yet people still try to make it a thing. I have books on my shelf begging to be read yet I still find myself buying more. I doodle often and somehow they all end up looking like I tried to copy a five year old’s finger painting. And failed. When I can’t sleep at night, I go over the following day’s schedule again and again, trying to smooth out wrinkles in my plans. I try to save greeting cards and and letters but I always end up losing them. Actually, I lose a lot of things. When I go into a place with people I know, the grandiosity of my entrance will depend on my energy levels. I don’t look at myself in the mirror that often, but I feel like it is too much. Not because it is a vain or self-absorbed thing to do, but because I feel so much more confident when I’m not constantly reminded of the flaws in my physical appearance. A guilty pleasure I enjoy way too much to give up is internet (not that I have a lot of it, my mobile data is close to non-existent and I have no wifi at home). I read the newspaper almost everyday, skipping most of it but getting really absorbed in articles about things like feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, racism and current politics. The sports section is something that is never even browsed through. I’d like to be less stubborn but that will probably never change. Let’s just pretend it’s a good quality for now.The scariest insect I’ve encountered is a crane fly. Why do you need that many legs? I’m mostly likely to engage confrontation. If I’m upset about something I won’t let it sit, I’d much rather talk about it than pretend it doesn’t bother me. I’m s creature of habit. The last time I pushed my physical limits was so long ago I can’t remember. I have a lot of acquaintances and few very close friends. I think about death a lot, not in a morbid way – more philosophically. It amazes me that turtles have yet to run for presidency yet Donald Trump is a serious candidate. I would prefer someone be straight up with me then to temper their words. I respect propel who are outspoken with their beliefs, as long as they don’t force it upon others. My perfect study arrangement is alone in my room. I sleep on my side. My favourite city is San Juan in Puerto Rico, however, I think many flaws would come to light if I lived there 24/7. Much like anywhere else. Ignorance is not bliss. I don’t think anything is unforgivable but I find it difficult to forgive. It’s even harder to forgive myself for past personal failures. I’m sure I have any convictions I’d be willing to die for. I think it’s extremely important to be honest with yourself. I am a messy person, both literally and figuratively. 

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2am thoughts.

I prefer the sunset to the sunrise. I am not mentally or physically ill. The most expensive thing I ever bought was a kindle. I don’t have a job. I am still in school. I’m a 50% introvert, 50% extrovert, it depends on my energy levels. When I see my body, there are some things I wish I could change. A song that I feel deeply is ‘Sweet Disposition – The Temper Traps’. I felt most alive running from a group of scary, older teens, laughing out loud with my friends. I’m not confident wearing a bikini. I find it hard to look people in the eye so I try extra hard and overcompensate. Nothing extremely terrible has happened to me so far. Nothing extremely wonderful has happened to me so far. My favourite part of my personality is, even if I don’t succeed, I’ll always try to make people laugh. My least favourite part of my personality is that if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take it out people who have nothing to do with the situation. My favourite quote (at the moment) is “that is the definition of faith – acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove.” I have relationships with all genders. I have relationships with all sexualities. I have a wobbly relationship with my father. I have a warm relationship with my mother. I don’t have siblings. My only near death experience has been tripping over two stairs. I don’t know anyone who has taken their own life. I’ve never tried to take my own life. I 50/50 follow the Mary Magdalene/Holy Grail conspiracy theory. I respect the UK government but not the way the country is run. Not all my friendships are healthy. I’m currently fighting with a friend. I’m jealous of a friend for her easy going attitude. I believe in the illuminati. I don’t believe any celebrities are associated with the illuminati. When I’m nervous I scratch my skin or bite my lips or pull my hair or pace. I make sure people can’t tell when I’m sad. I sometimes express my true feelings. There are things I’ve never told anyone. I’ve committed four illegal acts. At age 5, I wanted to be a chef. I am the product of a broken relationship. I am a bastard (in the most literal sense of the word). I have been raised by both parents. I have brown eyes, black hair and dark brown skin. I can speak French, English, some Spanish and am learning Chinese. I try not to conform to societies standards. I cry more often than people think. I tell people what I think. I am not comfortable recovering compliments. I am more comfortable giving compliments. I can’t see very well so I have to wear very strong glasses. I have been wearing braces for three months. I try to keep up with current events. The last thing I have heard on the news is the subject of the migrants trying to cross the euro tunnel into the UK and the response of the UK government saddens me. Today I visited my grandma in the countryside near Calais. I have not slept well recently. I have hurt someone because I was hurting before. I’ve ended friendships before because they’ve been detrimental to the both of us. Someone has stopped me from hurting myself before. I like my laugh. I am a preparing for an apocalypse, mostly likely from a virus. I am an agnostic. I like to watch true crime movies. I would like to raise a family in England. I believe in marriage. I can’t remember the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. I was never able to keep a diary. I think if I did, some people would be hurt by it. My favourite movies are The Ciderhouse Rules and 500 Days of Summer. I try to look after myself. I have a birthmark the shape of a Nike tick on my right ankle. I try to put others first. I was happy today. I think I am loved by my friends and family.

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the prom queen is dead

the prom queen is dead
couldn’t deal with it all
so shot herself in the head

took her longer than you’d think         
to realise she hated her reflection       
in the mirror above the sink 

turns out her high school lover 
should’ve been left behind 
          instead of allowed to hover 

and that little plastic crown?
               just as fake as her friends               
albeit cheaper than her gown 

so just keep in mind                             the prom queen is dead
                    and you’ve been left behind

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Eating Disorders

Bored and restless as usual, I had nothing to do so I decided to go through my notes and came across a poem that I wrote a while ago. It kind of shocked me because I wasn’t writing from personal experience (although I did have a friend who had suffered from this) and I think I just had a late night, ‘think I’m deep moment’. Anyway, instead of letting it collect dust, I thought I’d share it with you. Here goes: 

I’m going on a picnic 

With my two best friends

Ana and Mia, 

They’re kind of mother hens

Can’t leave the house, 

Without them by my side,

Guess you could call us 

“inseparable”

Everyone else does.

Mum keeps telling me

That they’re a bad influence.

She could never understand

That they’re what keeps me going.

We’re going on a picnic 

It’s a warm summers day,

I wasn’t sure what to bring

So I left it to Mia and Ana.

As we spread the checkered tablecloth

And sit down on the grass

Our knees so bony and fragile.

I ask

“What’s to eat”

And in unison they reply.

“We’re not hungry, are you?”

So… Yeah.

I think, nowadays, it’s so much easier to succumb to pressure – from your friends, family or even strangers. It’s also a lot more easily dismissed, even though I think everyone has a much better understanding of the issues around body image and such, as it’s becoming more common (due to increasing pressure) people will assume it’s for attention or not legitimate. I can’t really speak from personal experience but I can imagine how hard it would be to go through something like this without any support. To anyone out there who is having problems with this, please, please tell someone!

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‘Gossip’, the app.

we have so graciously been given yet another app manufactured to help the number of teens’ suicides and self harm skyrocket.

‘Gossip’, an app which has recently shooted to popularity in France (I guess that gives some insight on the people over there) causing many, as expected, emotional problems.

And to be perfectly honest, why wouldn’t it? Rumours have always been a given in teen life, whether it’s a text shared to your friends on the lines of “omg have u seen tht skirt it’s like soo ew” or something more serious like pretending someone has a mental illness. So now that these people can share fake, maybe malicious information online anonymously, why the hell wouldn’t they?

I’m just praying tho doesn’t spread anywhere else, I’d prefer teens to die of old age, thanks.

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