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maybe

maybe we are supposed to meet the wrong people

maybe we’re not meant to be

maybe we are satelites

maybe we are the lucky ones

maybe we’re friends maybe we’re more

maybe we are all cabinets of wonders

maybe we are meant to meet the wrong people

maybe we’re each others soulmates

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Parisian drugs.

Last summer, I brought a friend to Paris with me for a séjour comprised of five days, planning to see all the sights we could possibly cram into that short week. (Despite my going back there every five months or so after moving from France to Britain when I was five, I never took the tine to appreciate the hotspots of the city.) If I’m honest, I’ve always preferred the UK to Paris (something about the ethics and culture) but it was completely different when I brought someone else along for the ride, the famous city being placed under the microscope. It became even clearer that Paris isn’t the picture-perfect fairyland you’ve been lead to believe. Turns out the Eiffel Tower is just a heap of metal and the rats that skitter under the métro tracks aren’t as friendly as the ones Disney sketched out. The aroma of beautiful, artisan coffee is soon replaced by the stench of ashy cigarettes, and trust me, the graffiti hurriedly sprawled on any kind of free space quickly becomes a lot less ‘artistic’ and a lot more distasteful. 
On one particularly hot afternoon, after an unpleasantly sticky métro ride, we spilled out onto the streets of paris and only wandered about 200 metres before I saw a sight that has been burned into my brain since. A homeless man was hobbling past us, his sign in one hand and his other weathered hand desperately clutching a syringe. Now the homeless population of France is disgustingly high and shockingly visible in everday life, so (unfortunately) this wasn’t the aspect of this disturbing sight that shook me so much. I was astounded that he was carrying on something so unsustainable, regardless of whatever position you are in, especially in his situation. Acknowledging that this massive issue could possibly have been the cause of this (financial and emotional) mess to begin with, this was one of the first time I fully began to understand the devastating effects of drug use.

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‘colourblind’ is a sad joke.

Please don’t be colourblind. Be fascinated by the rich tones of my skin. Watch in awe as the sun give my face a glorious sheen. Shiver with pleasure as you contemplate the limitless bounds of race. And in turn, I will marvel at the perfect pallor of your skin. I will wonder endlessly about the flawless canvas which is your colour. And like a child, I will sit wide-eyed, giggling with ecstasy as I come across more and different physical appearances. All different, but all beautiful. So please, don’t be colourblind; rather, embrace the varying features of our amazing species.

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2am thoughts.

I prefer the sunset to the sunrise. I am not mentally or physically ill. The most expensive thing I ever bought was a kindle. I don’t have a job. I am still in school. I’m a 50% introvert, 50% extrovert, it depends on my energy levels. When I see my body, there are some things I wish I could change. A song that I feel deeply is ‘Sweet Disposition – The Temper Traps’. I felt most alive running from a group of scary, older teens, laughing out loud with my friends. I’m not confident wearing a bikini. I find it hard to look people in the eye so I try extra hard and overcompensate. Nothing extremely terrible has happened to me so far. Nothing extremely wonderful has happened to me so far. My favourite part of my personality is, even if I don’t succeed, I’ll always try to make people laugh. My least favourite part of my personality is that if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take it out people who have nothing to do with the situation. My favourite quote (at the moment) is “that is the definition of faith – acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove.” I have relationships with all genders. I have relationships with all sexualities. I have a wobbly relationship with my father. I have a warm relationship with my mother. I don’t have siblings. My only near death experience has been tripping over two stairs. I don’t know anyone who has taken their own life. I’ve never tried to take my own life. I 50/50 follow the Mary Magdalene/Holy Grail conspiracy theory. I respect the UK government but not the way the country is run. Not all my friendships are healthy. I’m currently fighting with a friend. I’m jealous of a friend for her easy going attitude. I believe in the illuminati. I don’t believe any celebrities are associated with the illuminati. When I’m nervous I scratch my skin or bite my lips or pull my hair or pace. I make sure people can’t tell when I’m sad. I sometimes express my true feelings. There are things I’ve never told anyone. I’ve committed four illegal acts. At age 5, I wanted to be a chef. I am the product of a broken relationship. I am a bastard (in the most literal sense of the word). I have been raised by both parents. I have brown eyes, black hair and dark brown skin. I can speak French, English, some Spanish and am learning Chinese. I try not to conform to societies standards. I cry more often than people think. I tell people what I think. I am not comfortable recovering compliments. I am more comfortable giving compliments. I can’t see very well so I have to wear very strong glasses. I have been wearing braces for three months. I try to keep up with current events. The last thing I have heard on the news is the subject of the migrants trying to cross the euro tunnel into the UK and the response of the UK government saddens me. Today I visited my grandma in the countryside near Calais. I have not slept well recently. I have hurt someone because I was hurting before. I’ve ended friendships before because they’ve been detrimental to the both of us. Someone has stopped me from hurting myself before. I like my laugh. I am a preparing for an apocalypse, mostly likely from a virus. I am an agnostic. I like to watch true crime movies. I would like to raise a family in England. I believe in marriage. I can’t remember the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. I was never able to keep a diary. I think if I did, some people would be hurt by it. My favourite movies are The Ciderhouse Rules and 500 Days of Summer. I try to look after myself. I have a birthmark the shape of a Nike tick on my right ankle. I try to put others first. I was happy today. I think I am loved by my friends and family.

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art

“Art is to console those

who are broken by life”
but what of the unfortunate few

who are broken by death
 should they be left

to wallow in sadness and grief
or bundled up firmly

in the warmth of love
because the moss 

on his lovers grave 
shows the rain that pitter

pattered on the stone
and because both hands 

were used to wipe away tears
none were left to bring

the shelter of an umbrella

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a quote for your time

Ok so I think we’ve all established that I’m not good at posting regularly but I’ll try to work on that. Thank you so much to idiosyncratic thoughts over a cup of tea, my life and a journal and Kait King for the nominations, they’re such good and interesting writers they kind of make up for my terribleness so go check them out!

My plan was to do a short quote as not to bore you to death but then I remembered this from ‘Starter For Ten’ by David Nicholls (definitely one of my favourite books) and I just had to put in. Sorry? Haha, well here it is:
“I want to be able to listen to piano sonatas and know who’s playing. I want to go to classical concerts and know when you’re meant to clap. I want to be able to ‘get’ modern jazz without it all sounding like this terrible mistake, and I want to know who the Velvet Underground are exactly. I want to be fully engaged in the World of Ideas, I want to understand complex economics, and what people see in Bob Dylan. I want to possess radical but humane and well-informed political ideals, and I want to hold passionate but reasoned debates round wooden kitchen tables, saying things like ‘define your terms’ and ‘your premise is patently specious’ and then suddenly discover that the sun’s come up and we’ve been talking all night. I want to use words like ‘eponymous’ and ‘solipsistic’ and ‘utilitarian’ with confidence. I want to learn to appreciate fine wines and exotic liqueurs, and fine single malts and learn how to drink them without turning into a complete div, and to eat strange and exotic foods, plovers’ eggs and lobster thermidor, things that sound barely edible or that I can’t pronounce. I want to be able to speak many languages fluently, and maybe even a dead language or two, and to carry a small leather-bound notebook in which I jot down incisive thoughts and observations, and the occasional line of verse. Most of all I want to read books; books thick as a brick, leather bound books with extremely thin paper and those purple ribbons to mark where you left off; cheap, dusty, second-hand books of collected verse, incredibly expensive, imported books of incomprehensible essays from foreign universities. At some point, I’d like to have an original idea. And I’d like to be fancied, or maybe loved even but I’ll wait and see. And as for a job, I’m not exactly sure what I want yet, but something I don’t despise, and that doesn’t make me I’ll and that means that I don’t have to worry about money all the time.”
The quote is so long I won’t say much about it but it sums up my life pretty well. I have no idea what I want to go yet or how I’m going to achieve all that but I feel like the quote gives a good sense of wanting to improve yourself and all that jazz. 
ANYWAY
Here are the rules!

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate: 

hunter pippin
quiet alison                                               a little daydreamer

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insomnia

just to clear everything up, I don’t have insomnia – just a messed up sleeping schedule that makes me a zombie most of the time. I’m also not deep, “grunge” or simply artistic enough to hold any claims to that photo, all credit goes to the mystical lands of tumblr.

However, I thought it summed up what I felt at the moment pretty accurately. I’ve already spent too much time pining after people who don’t even know my name and I’m not even 20. 

Anyway I don’t really have much to say today so I’m just going to recommend this song:

Delicate – Damien Rice 

Time: 23:32

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