War

But you say there is equality.

When I was little, I wanted to be white.
That’s the colour the sweet, popular girl at school was. That’s the colour the beautiful, breath-taking supermodels on the billboards. And that was the colour all the characters in my favourite tv series were. Which role models looked like me? Beyoncé is now the third woman (behind Naomi Campbell & Halle Berry) to grace the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s 123 years of publication, and people are raving as if this is iconic. That’s not iconic. That’s ridiculous. The third in 123 years. But you say there is equality.
My mother moved from France to England because she didn’t believe she, a young black woman, could get a respectable teaching job where we were. My mum forced me to read English story books, meant for an age much younger than I was yet it was still extremely difficult. She made me read every single day and I hated every minute of it. I see know that she did this so I could speak English perfectly by the time it mattered, by the time people started to assume I was illiterate, uneducated and ignorant from the colour of my skin. And even though my mum spent hours teaching me the English I am able to speak so fluently now, due to her patience and encouragement, you can still tell English is her second language. She asks me how to say certain British expressions to fit in, She asks me to proofread emails for her, out of embarrassment that she feels her English isn’t sufficient enough to be taken seriously, it sickens me that while their mastery of the English language is more than proficient, it doesn’t matter, because the rest of the world doesn’t care. But you say there is equality.

I grew up, watching the world’s understanding of my cultural heritage being reduced to the “black best friend”, being portrayed as domestic help, sassy and thugs. I grew up being asked “but, where are you really from?” as a reply to when I told them I was born in France. I grew up, being told I had to be the servant when I played families with my white friends, when I held in me the fact that when slavery was finally abolished, slaves received no apology and the slave-owners often received a minimum of £50 per slave in compensation. The slave-owners received paid compensation. But you say there is equality.
I live in a country that when a well-known television presenter says the racist n-slur, on air, he keeps his job .I live in the 21st century, where the only understanding I can get about the story behind my heritage comes from my own parents, where the only times I can see people who look like me on screen and aren’t portrayed in a degrading, racially comic, stereotypical way is on YouTube. The caricatures on television teaches us that we are brash, aggressive deficient at English and poor. But you say there is equality.
Who would want to black? In the few instances coloured people made an appearance on my television, they were always the criminals, the delinquents, the poor or had a funny accent everyone could laugh at. Obviously no way someone who wasn’t white could be educated, wealthy or even just a generally good person.

But still, you love your jazz music, your fried chicken. Please, enjoy your holidays to the Caribbean, your corn rows and Morgan Freeman.

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2am thoughts.

I prefer the sunset to the sunrise. I am not mentally or physically ill. The most expensive thing I ever bought was a kindle. I don’t have a job. I am still in school. I’m a 50% introvert, 50% extrovert, it depends on my energy levels. When I see my body, there are some things I wish I could change. A song that I feel deeply is ‘Sweet Disposition – The Temper Traps’. I felt most alive running from a group of scary, older teens, laughing out loud with my friends. I’m not confident wearing a bikini. I find it hard to look people in the eye so I try extra hard and overcompensate. Nothing extremely terrible has happened to me so far. Nothing extremely wonderful has happened to me so far. My favourite part of my personality is, even if I don’t succeed, I’ll always try to make people laugh. My least favourite part of my personality is that if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take it out people who have nothing to do with the situation. My favourite quote (at the moment) is “that is the definition of faith – acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove.” I have relationships with all genders. I have relationships with all sexualities. I have a wobbly relationship with my father. I have a warm relationship with my mother. I don’t have siblings. My only near death experience has been tripping over two stairs. I don’t know anyone who has taken their own life. I’ve never tried to take my own life. I 50/50 follow the Mary Magdalene/Holy Grail conspiracy theory. I respect the UK government but not the way the country is run. Not all my friendships are healthy. I’m currently fighting with a friend. I’m jealous of a friend for her easy going attitude. I believe in the illuminati. I don’t believe any celebrities are associated with the illuminati. When I’m nervous I scratch my skin or bite my lips or pull my hair or pace. I make sure people can’t tell when I’m sad. I sometimes express my true feelings. There are things I’ve never told anyone. I’ve committed four illegal acts. At age 5, I wanted to be a chef. I am the product of a broken relationship. I am a bastard (in the most literal sense of the word). I have been raised by both parents. I have brown eyes, black hair and dark brown skin. I can speak French, English, some Spanish and am learning Chinese. I try not to conform to societies standards. I cry more often than people think. I tell people what I think. I am not comfortable recovering compliments. I am more comfortable giving compliments. I can’t see very well so I have to wear very strong glasses. I have been wearing braces for three months. I try to keep up with current events. The last thing I have heard on the news is the subject of the migrants trying to cross the euro tunnel into the UK and the response of the UK government saddens me. Today I visited my grandma in the countryside near Calais. I have not slept well recently. I have hurt someone because I was hurting before. I’ve ended friendships before because they’ve been detrimental to the both of us. Someone has stopped me from hurting myself before. I like my laugh. I am a preparing for an apocalypse, mostly likely from a virus. I am an agnostic. I like to watch true crime movies. I would like to raise a family in England. I believe in marriage. I can’t remember the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. I was never able to keep a diary. I think if I did, some people would be hurt by it. My favourite movies are The Ciderhouse Rules and 500 Days of Summer. I try to look after myself. I have a birthmark the shape of a Nike tick on my right ankle. I try to put others first. I was happy today. I think I am loved by my friends and family.

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the prom queen is dead

the prom queen is dead
couldn’t deal with it all
so shot herself in the head

took her longer than you’d think         
to realise she hated her reflection       
in the mirror above the sink 

turns out her high school lover 
should’ve been left behind 
          instead of allowed to hover 

and that little plastic crown?
               just as fake as her friends               
albeit cheaper than her gown 

so just keep in mind                             the prom queen is dead
                    and you’ve been left behind

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art

“Art is to console those

who are broken by life”
but what of the unfortunate few

who are broken by death
 should they be left

to wallow in sadness and grief
or bundled up firmly

in the warmth of love
because the moss 

on his lovers grave 
shows the rain that pitter

pattered on the stone
and because both hands 

were used to wipe away tears
none were left to bring

the shelter of an umbrella

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Eating Disorders

Bored and restless as usual, I had nothing to do so I decided to go through my notes and came across a poem that I wrote a while ago. It kind of shocked me because I wasn’t writing from personal experience (although I did have a friend who had suffered from this) and I think I just had a late night, ‘think I’m deep moment’. Anyway, instead of letting it collect dust, I thought I’d share it with you. Here goes: 

I’m going on a picnic 

With my two best friends

Ana and Mia, 

They’re kind of mother hens

Can’t leave the house, 

Without them by my side,

Guess you could call us 

“inseparable”

Everyone else does.

Mum keeps telling me

That they’re a bad influence.

She could never understand

That they’re what keeps me going.

We’re going on a picnic 

It’s a warm summers day,

I wasn’t sure what to bring

So I left it to Mia and Ana.

As we spread the checkered tablecloth

And sit down on the grass

Our knees so bony and fragile.

I ask

“What’s to eat”

And in unison they reply.

“We’re not hungry, are you?”

So… Yeah.

I think, nowadays, it’s so much easier to succumb to pressure – from your friends, family or even strangers. It’s also a lot more easily dismissed, even though I think everyone has a much better understanding of the issues around body image and such, as it’s becoming more common (due to increasing pressure) people will assume it’s for attention or not legitimate. I can’t really speak from personal experience but I can imagine how hard it would be to go through something like this without any support. To anyone out there who is having problems with this, please, please tell someone!

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Fear.

what am I scared of? That’s not really a hard one. I’m scared of the mouse that lives in my kitchen. I’m scared of getting my braces tightened at the dentist. I’m scared of getting exam results at school. I’m also scared of dropping my crappy iPhone 4S and cracking the screen.

But my real fear, the one that eats me up inside is that my life will become the sad songs I’m so fond of listening to at night.

 I’m scared that my mum will die before her time, before I’m ready to face the world alone.

 I’m scared that I’ll become the lead in a romantic comedy with no romance and be the only one laughing at my jokes. 

I’m so, so scared that I’m wasting my life – unfulfilled and wasting potential. 

Because at the moment, what am I doing to prevent that?

I spend so much time in bed, I surprise myself when I go outside. My relationship with my family is barely tangible and needs a lot of work – work I’m not putting in. There are so many other problems which I haven’t even admitted to myself yet. 

And still I expect the world to turn me into something else, something new and improved. For it to swallow me and spit me out as something better, as if I haven’t quite grasped that life’s a bitch.

But I have. I read the news. I hear about the earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes. I hear about the terrible conditions people have to live in, in poverty and death. And, I hear about the intelligent, kind and revolutionary who have next to nothing, no education, no rights, and no money who still manage to deal with it and do so much. Giving back to humanity when God has given them nothing.

So why am I searching for a purpose? 

The worst kind of person is someone who has standards for other people but doesn’t live up to them themselves and I’m scared that’s what I’m turning into.

That is my real fear.

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