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Feathers

We all want to be

lighter than we are –

Freer than we are                                                

So we slaughter the Angels

And stick their wings to our back 

In the simple hope

That we too,                                                           

Will be able to fly

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What you don’t know.

I don’t have nicknames yet people still try to make it a thing. I have books on my shelf begging to be read yet I still find myself buying more. I doodle often and somehow they all end up looking like I tried to copy a five year old’s finger painting. And failed. When I can’t sleep at night, I go over the following day’s schedule again and again, trying to smooth out wrinkles in my plans. I try to save greeting cards and and letters but I always end up losing them. Actually, I lose a lot of things. When I go into a place with people I know, the grandiosity of my entrance will depend on my energy levels. I don’t look at myself in the mirror that often, but I feel like it is too much. Not because it is a vain or self-absorbed thing to do, but because I feel so much more confident when I’m not constantly reminded of the flaws in my physical appearance. A guilty pleasure I enjoy way too much to give up is internet (not that I have a lot of it, my mobile data is close to non-existent and I have no wifi at home). I read the newspaper almost everyday, skipping most of it but getting really absorbed in articles about things like feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, racism and current politics. The sports section is something that is never even browsed through. I’d like to be less stubborn but that will probably never change. Let’s just pretend it’s a good quality for now.The scariest insect I’ve encountered is a crane fly. Why do you need that many legs? I’m mostly likely to engage confrontation. If I’m upset about something I won’t let it sit, I’d much rather talk about it than pretend it doesn’t bother me. I’m s creature of habit. The last time I pushed my physical limits was so long ago I can’t remember. I have a lot of acquaintances and few very close friends. I think about death a lot, not in a morbid way – more philosophically. It amazes me that turtles have yet to run for presidency yet Donald Trump is a serious candidate. I would prefer someone be straight up with me then to temper their words. I respect propel who are outspoken with their beliefs, as long as they don’t force it upon others. My perfect study arrangement is alone in my room. I sleep on my side. My favourite city is San Juan in Puerto Rico, however, I think many flaws would come to light if I lived there 24/7. Much like anywhere else. Ignorance is not bliss. I don’t think anything is unforgivable but I find it difficult to forgive. It’s even harder to forgive myself for past personal failures. I’m sure I have any convictions I’d be willing to die for. I think it’s extremely important to be honest with yourself. I am a messy person, both literally and figuratively. 

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War

But you say there is equality.

When I was little, I wanted to be white.
That’s the colour the sweet, popular girl at school was. That’s the colour the beautiful, breath-taking supermodels on the billboards. And that was the colour all the characters in my favourite tv series were. Which role models looked like me? Beyoncé is now the third woman (behind Naomi Campbell & Halle Berry) to grace the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s 123 years of publication, and people are raving as if this is iconic. That’s not iconic. That’s ridiculous. The third in 123 years. But you say there is equality.
My mother moved from France to England because she didn’t believe she, a young black woman, could get a respectable teaching job where we were. My mum forced me to read English story books, meant for an age much younger than I was yet it was still extremely difficult. She made me read every single day and I hated every minute of it. I see know that she did this so I could speak English perfectly by the time it mattered, by the time people started to assume I was illiterate, uneducated and ignorant from the colour of my skin. And even though my mum spent hours teaching me the English I am able to speak so fluently now, due to her patience and encouragement, you can still tell English is her second language. She asks me how to say certain British expressions to fit in, She asks me to proofread emails for her, out of embarrassment that she feels her English isn’t sufficient enough to be taken seriously, it sickens me that while their mastery of the English language is more than proficient, it doesn’t matter, because the rest of the world doesn’t care. But you say there is equality.

I grew up, watching the world’s understanding of my cultural heritage being reduced to the “black best friend”, being portrayed as domestic help, sassy and thugs. I grew up being asked “but, where are you really from?” as a reply to when I told them I was born in France. I grew up, being told I had to be the servant when I played families with my white friends, when I held in me the fact that when slavery was finally abolished, slaves received no apology and the slave-owners often received a minimum of £50 per slave in compensation. The slave-owners received paid compensation. But you say there is equality.
I live in a country that when a well-known television presenter says the racist n-slur, on air, he keeps his job .I live in the 21st century, where the only understanding I can get about the story behind my heritage comes from my own parents, where the only times I can see people who look like me on screen and aren’t portrayed in a degrading, racially comic, stereotypical way is on YouTube. The caricatures on television teaches us that we are brash, aggressive deficient at English and poor. But you say there is equality.
Who would want to black? In the few instances coloured people made an appearance on my television, they were always the criminals, the delinquents, the poor or had a funny accent everyone could laugh at. Obviously no way someone who wasn’t white could be educated, wealthy or even just a generally good person.

But still, you love your jazz music, your fried chicken. Please, enjoy your holidays to the Caribbean, your corn rows and Morgan Freeman.

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all about dem quotes

“The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t anymore. I don’t know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.” 

I thought I’d start with the quote this time so that no one would have to go through my crappy writing to attain the pure genius of Gillian Flynn.

Anyway, as I read this quote for the first time (how ironic) it struck me as a lot closer to the truth than I’d like it to be.

I’m quite embarrassed to say that once, when someone told me their father was dead, my response was “How did they die?” 

No condolences, no apologies, already my brain was trying to turn this unfortunate event into a morbid, murder-mystery.

I will admit that anecdote didn’t have much to do with the quote but I just thought I’d share some of my embarrassing life with you. 

Moving swiftly on, here are the rules for the challenge: 

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate:

black panther

Sope

emilicious

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a quote for your time

Ok so I think we’ve all established that I’m not good at posting regularly but I’ll try to work on that. Thank you so much to idiosyncratic thoughts over a cup of tea, my life and a journal and Kait King for the nominations, they’re such good and interesting writers they kind of make up for my terribleness so go check them out!

My plan was to do a short quote as not to bore you to death but then I remembered this from ‘Starter For Ten’ by David Nicholls (definitely one of my favourite books) and I just had to put in. Sorry? Haha, well here it is:
“I want to be able to listen to piano sonatas and know who’s playing. I want to go to classical concerts and know when you’re meant to clap. I want to be able to ‘get’ modern jazz without it all sounding like this terrible mistake, and I want to know who the Velvet Underground are exactly. I want to be fully engaged in the World of Ideas, I want to understand complex economics, and what people see in Bob Dylan. I want to possess radical but humane and well-informed political ideals, and I want to hold passionate but reasoned debates round wooden kitchen tables, saying things like ‘define your terms’ and ‘your premise is patently specious’ and then suddenly discover that the sun’s come up and we’ve been talking all night. I want to use words like ‘eponymous’ and ‘solipsistic’ and ‘utilitarian’ with confidence. I want to learn to appreciate fine wines and exotic liqueurs, and fine single malts and learn how to drink them without turning into a complete div, and to eat strange and exotic foods, plovers’ eggs and lobster thermidor, things that sound barely edible or that I can’t pronounce. I want to be able to speak many languages fluently, and maybe even a dead language or two, and to carry a small leather-bound notebook in which I jot down incisive thoughts and observations, and the occasional line of verse. Most of all I want to read books; books thick as a brick, leather bound books with extremely thin paper and those purple ribbons to mark where you left off; cheap, dusty, second-hand books of collected verse, incredibly expensive, imported books of incomprehensible essays from foreign universities. At some point, I’d like to have an original idea. And I’d like to be fancied, or maybe loved even but I’ll wait and see. And as for a job, I’m not exactly sure what I want yet, but something I don’t despise, and that doesn’t make me I’ll and that means that I don’t have to worry about money all the time.”
The quote is so long I won’t say much about it but it sums up my life pretty well. I have no idea what I want to go yet or how I’m going to achieve all that but I feel like the quote gives a good sense of wanting to improve yourself and all that jazz. 
ANYWAY
Here are the rules!

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate: 

hunter pippin
quiet alison                                               a little daydreamer

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Fear.

what am I scared of? That’s not really a hard one. I’m scared of the mouse that lives in my kitchen. I’m scared of getting my braces tightened at the dentist. I’m scared of getting exam results at school. I’m also scared of dropping my crappy iPhone 4S and cracking the screen.

But my real fear, the one that eats me up inside is that my life will become the sad songs I’m so fond of listening to at night.

 I’m scared that my mum will die before her time, before I’m ready to face the world alone.

 I’m scared that I’ll become the lead in a romantic comedy with no romance and be the only one laughing at my jokes. 

I’m so, so scared that I’m wasting my life – unfulfilled and wasting potential. 

Because at the moment, what am I doing to prevent that?

I spend so much time in bed, I surprise myself when I go outside. My relationship with my family is barely tangible and needs a lot of work – work I’m not putting in. There are so many other problems which I haven’t even admitted to myself yet. 

And still I expect the world to turn me into something else, something new and improved. For it to swallow me and spit me out as something better, as if I haven’t quite grasped that life’s a bitch.

But I have. I read the news. I hear about the earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes. I hear about the terrible conditions people have to live in, in poverty and death. And, I hear about the intelligent, kind and revolutionary who have next to nothing, no education, no rights, and no money who still manage to deal with it and do so much. Giving back to humanity when God has given them nothing.

So why am I searching for a purpose? 

The worst kind of person is someone who has standards for other people but doesn’t live up to them themselves and I’m scared that’s what I’m turning into.

That is my real fear.

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