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the outside world

   
    
    
  

   I don’t quite have social anxiety. I don’t quite have social phobia. I think a lot of people see me as loud, confident and some maybe even think I voice my opinion too freely. That’s because when I’m passionate about a subject, I want to share that passion.

A couple of years ago, after returning from a birthday party for one of my dad’s friends, I overheard him saying to his girlfriend “yeah, we’re both quite shy.”, the we in question being him and I. I’m not sure why, but I resented this. 

I knew full well that it was true, that when I saw other kids my age I preferred to look down at my iPod or book because that’s what felt safer and that meeting new people made me so uncomfortable that it made me literally tremble. But I wanted to be outgoing and confident and funny. I knew I could be that person and I wanted to reflect that into reality but I just couldn’t transfer that version of me anywhere else but inside my head.

I had to be that person. So I changed myself. After going through a crappy time where I cried whenever someone said something the slightest bit offensive and full on fighting with people if they did something to make me angry, I just stopped.

Instead of crying, I laughed. Instead of fighting, I walked away. But then something happened. Now that I had completely disregarded my emotions, I kind of lost any for others as well. I didn’t emphasise, just got pissed off. Jesus, I was the literal definition of passive aggressive. But under all that anger and bitchiness, I was still that girl who got emotionally distressed by something as simple as meeting someone new.

If I was introduced to a new person, I’d get extremely worried that they’d think I’m awkward or weird or simply not nice to be around. That stressed me out a lot. But I forced myself to keep that inside, and smile, and talk loudly. Before I got braces, I didn’t smile with my mouth open because I was ashamed of my teeth so I used to smile really wide with my mouth closed. I did this to seem friendly and welcoming but turns out it just looked like a serial killer on crack. 

Anyway after that plan had crashed and burned, during this time I had somehow managed to accumulate a group of friends who I could actually trust and “be myself” around.

These are pretty much the only people I really talk to and confide in, although I don’t think they are even aware of that. I try to be friendly with everyone (apart from a few sworn enemies) but I don’t think that many people truly know much about me. Apart from my tight friendship group, relationships with people outside that don’t usually last long and I’m often left feeling uncomfortable about the things that person knows about me now that we’re no longer friends. When I’m close to someone, even if it’s for a short period of time, I tend to overshare (and now on this blog I guess I’m doing that on a bigger scale) which isn’t a very good idea when you don’t even truly know you own identity.

I think I have a lot to work on.

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17 thoughts on “the outside world

  1. Okay well I can’t relate to the ambivert thing, but I get what you mean with having eroded away all your emotions. I did the exact same, though I’m glad I did. I mean, I can take a lot more now, and I’ve realized how pointless emotions are, at least for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. huckleberryfrienduniverse says:

    I would also be worried about meeting new people- do they like me? do they think I’m worried? Can they sense the awkwardness?- the stress was so much that finally I was like screw it! Now I don’t care about new people or even the old ones. I have pushed almost all my friends away from me.. And now it feels like it’s too late to start over.. if I had realised it sooner, maybe.. But at least you have few great friends who have got your back. Good for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • After you push back all your feelings it hard to regain them but you can do it. Just make sure you do it with the right people but when you meet someone who you genuinely like, be yourself and there’s a 99.99 chance they’ll want to be your friend. If they don’t, well it’s their loss so just move on! I’m sure you can improve your situation. Thanks for reading and commenting ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    • Aha good to know there are other people who feel the same. I think you should maybe talk to one of your closest friends and just be honest with how you feel about yourself? Maybe I should start following my own advice haha. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is literally how I was feeling before I wrote my last post. I know that I could be a fun nice person to be around but other people don’t because I never show that side of myself. It’s scary to put yourself out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. oqu3 says:

    Listen, there’s so much I want to say but it is better if I leave you with something that God (I know that is probably me committing suicide) gave me at an impossibly trying time in my life. The following;
    “The quest for perfection is born out of imperfection.”
    (My own quote, which God helped me to write)
    Point is Perfection is a hard taskmaster. Do not do as others have done, placed themselves under the rule of perfection. And when folks brag; You know me, I’m a perfectionist.
    Funny but this is so tragic, eventually they will come crashing down. Nervous breakdown.
    We live trying to conform to expectations to the point where there are voices in our heads echoing all the criticism.
    No. Instead experiment. Give your self an opportunity to build a new persona which is not so burdened by a weight of critics.
    I want to say more but feel I should stop here, except let me say that this again is a great post and again thanks for stopping by my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It’s refreshing for someone to express their thoughts through their religion, it shows you truly believe and it’s inspiring that you hold your faith so close to your heart. Your quote is amazing and rings true, it’s frustrating because I’m a perfectionist who never gets anything perfect. Thank you for everything you’ve said it’s really put some things into perspective. p.s. Sorry I took so long to reply, I don’t really have an excuse but here are my apologies. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • oqu3 says:

        You are very welcome dear, and please don’t ever let my beliefs get in the way of a rapport. I respect you and acknowledge you, and that is a world of wealth. And the late thing, forget it.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I really connected to this post; it was probably one of the most brutally honest and beautiful pieces I have ever read.
    Connecting with people can be really difficult, and there’s a fine line between making a good impression and being yourself. Maybe the reason I tend to be too open with people is just that. I feel that I don’t know myself, or trust myself, well enough to make a lasting connection based on impression alone.
    Perhaps, over-sharing is just me trying to forge a connection with someone by sharing important information about myself with them;therefore, displaying that I trust and like them.
    The same applies to blogging. The more honest and open someone is, the more people can relate to their writing. But there are some details nobody needs, or wants, to know.
    Thanks for writing such wonderful posts. I hope to read more of your work in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so happy you could relate. Yeah, it’s so hard the first time, choosing whether you should show this bit of yourself, whether you should talk more than usual so they think you’re interesting, whether you should talk less than usual so they don’t think you’re annoying, etc. I like blogging because not too many people know about my blog so I feel like I can be as honest and open as I want. Thank you so much for taking the time to red and comment, I really appreciate it ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

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