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Fear.

what am I scared of? That’s not really a hard one. I’m scared of the mouse that lives in my kitchen. I’m scared of getting my braces tightened at the dentist. I’m scared of getting exam results at school. I’m also scared of dropping my crappy iPhone 4S and cracking the screen.

But my real fear, the one that eats me up inside is that my life will become the sad songs I’m so fond of listening to at night.

 I’m scared that my mum will die before her time, before I’m ready to face the world alone.

 I’m scared that I’ll become the lead in a romantic comedy with no romance and be the only one laughing at my jokes. 

I’m so, so scared that I’m wasting my life – unfulfilled and wasting potential. 

Because at the moment, what am I doing to prevent that?

I spend so much time in bed, I surprise myself when I go outside. My relationship with my family is barely tangible and needs a lot of work – work I’m not putting in. There are so many other problems which I haven’t even admitted to myself yet. 

And still I expect the world to turn me into something else, something new and improved. For it to swallow me and spit me out as something better, as if I haven’t quite grasped that life’s a bitch.

But I have. I read the news. I hear about the earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes. I hear about the terrible conditions people have to live in, in poverty and death. And, I hear about the intelligent, kind and revolutionary who have next to nothing, no education, no rights, and no money who still manage to deal with it and do so much. Giving back to humanity when God has given them nothing.

So why am I searching for a purpose? 

The worst kind of person is someone who has standards for other people but doesn’t live up to them themselves and I’m scared that’s what I’m turning into.

That is my real fear.

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37 thoughts on “Fear.

  1. willbott says:

    Without fear we’re nothing. What else pushes us harder to do anything than fear or love? They are the strongest feelings we can have. People do unnaturally strong things when a loved one is in danger, and never question what someone can do for love, or worse, what someone can do when their heart has been broken. Fear is just as powerful. Being scared of something can make you change, it can make you react, it can even make you kill. If you weren’t scared of anything, I’d call you a bloody fool. I’m scared of things, many things, I choose to try and change those things, at times.. I’m not the best when it comes to positive thinking. Self described Altruistic Pessimistic Dreamer. However, your future is in your hands. And if you can’t change your future, change your present. What I mean by that is change your targets, your dreams. And no, don’t ever give them up!! But make more aspirations and goals that are more achievable. Get the ball rolling. Get out of bed more often, join a club, do a ‘thing’ I recently took to climbing and downhill biking quite heavily, and it’s so good! I’m a huge overthinker and a massive analyser. Distraction tasks that I can actually progress at and see achievement, and do with friends too. Instead of my old go to distraction which was far too many games…
    After all that what I basically want to say is, you’re allowed to be scared, scared of what you want. However, it’s how you deal with that fear that will make you the person you want to be. Use fear as armor, as motivation and as conviction.

    MajesticHippo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right, fear is powerful. I think I just need to channel it in the right way. I do need to find a hobby, it’s just so hard to be motivated, especially in the holidays. I’ve actually gone to the library quite often this week so I’m going to see that as a milestone to a better life aha 🙂 thanks for taking the time to read and comment 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • willbott says:

        That’s exactly my point 🙂 being scared and fearing things is entirely natural. What do you think drove the first cave men to make weapons and kill animals? The fear of them. Channel your fear correctly and you will move forward quicker than you know 🙂 I’m scared of more than I care to admit, but I think I am slightly better equipped to deal with it and move forward. I have a little more ‘life’ behind me, haha. And no worries, I always enjoy reading your blog and comment when I can. I give other people a chance on some of them, haha. Library is good, going to read or to study?

        Like

  2. Your fear is much more benevolent than mine, I’ll tell you that. I completely relate to you through this post, but, despite being the completely negative entity I am, there’s at least one thing I found slight hope in through your writing; you know your fear. You’ve acknowledged its existence, its pressure, its danger. That’s the first step, at least in my book. Now you’ve got to work around it. And I don’t say conquer it because I don’t believe you can fully conquer your fears (this whole comment is counterproductive and you’ll probably feel much worse by the end, good luck). I believe your fears will always be there, lurking in the darkness in anticipation of the crucial moment when your resolve crumbles and your spirit cracks and your fortress falls to the ground and you’re left broken and weak. But working around your fear is strengthening yourself, protecting yourself. It’s knowing your fear and doing everything in your power to stay away from its grasp. It’s analyzing your fear logically, rationally, breaking it apart and putting it back together into something you can comprehend and cope with. It’s building up your resolve, your spirit, your fortress until there are no weak spots. And then, the fear will slump its shoulders and walk away. It will become the weak one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not so sure about that but I’ll take it. Aha I’m sure we’ve all had negative moments but I’m glad you found hope here. I’m not sure I’ve completely accepted my fear but I think I’m on the way :). I completely agree and I think you kind of need some fear in your life. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I was just guessing and I’d like to apologize if that was just a pile of bs. I tend to blab and think too much and make a fool of myself. Should probably get that fixed…xD
        Yeah, fear is a key driving factor for many things, at least in my opinion. Anytime, I liked your post so I felt inclined to comment : )

        Like

  3. Black Panther says:

    Your worst fear of losing your mom has already happenend to me, when I was 10 and now I’m 17. I had lots of fears and some of my fears came to life, that did not make me very pleased, I was scared.
    But the point of this is face your fears head on and don’t give up, sometimes they may come to the light but still walk back straight and just be you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ok, so that made me feel really shitty about myself….. And I get u so much. But also I feel bad posting a comment with crappy words and bad grammar on this thing filled with amazing bloggers like u *starts crying coz so proud of emziez*

    Liked by 3 people

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