Uncategorized

art

“Art is to console those

who are broken by life”
but what of the unfortunate few

who are broken by death
 should they be left

to wallow in sadness and grief
or bundled up firmly

in the warmth of love
because the moss 

on his lovers grave 
shows the rain that pitter

pattered on the stone
and because both hands 

were used to wipe away tears
none were left to bring

the shelter of an umbrella

Standard
Uncategorized

my childhood

So I was just contemplating my life and decided to put it down on paper (screen?), it feels odd writing about something so personal as I’ve never really thought about it before.
My parents were never married and split up soon a few years after my birth (when they were both just 21). Until I was about 3 years old, we all lived in Paris. This was when they realised they didn’t really love each other (even though I’ve asked many times precisely why they broke up, they’ve always both replied “we just realised we weren’t right for each other” or “ask [insert opposite parent].”

After it dawned on them that they didn’t have a romantic future, my mum decided to move to England where she’d always dreamed of living, simply saying that it would be easier for her to become a teacher here, while my dad stayed in France, working at ARVAL (I’ll be honest, to this day I still don’t know exactly what he does).

I don’t remember it very clearly but I know that the situations I was placed in after weren’t ideal. I was told to choose which parent I wanted to live with, the movie cliché which turned out be an easy decision seeing as my young age meant I had little consideration for either of my parents’ emotions. I had to stay with my dad in France while my mum built a home for me in the UK which was both emotionally and financially stable.

I have vague memories of going to nursery in France where I was likened to a frog by a much prettier girl and the French donuts I always got on the way home, always ending up covered in dusty sugar.

After a few months, I emigrated to England with my mum and after co-renting for a while in Brixton, we moved yet again to Greenwich, the area in which I went to primary school and currently live now. 

I think it’s pretty easy to tell that the beginning of my childhood was not founded in stability and seeing as I could not speak any English when I first arrived in Britain, the fact that I was barely able to communicate with most people around me meant I was automatically categorised as “shy”.

In France, I was noisy and confident (for a 4 year old) but here, I had nothing to say, simply because I couldn’t say. 

My primary school definitely wasn’t the best education wise, in fact it could definitely be classed amongst the worst, but it was diverse and accepting and at the beginning that was all that mattered. 

The first few years went fairly quickly when suddenly I began facing some problems. I wouldn’t always agree with people on things and I often voiced my opinion a bit too clearly and I think I must’ve pissed some people off.

I started being kind of left out of things and if I did something wrong, however small, it would be pointed out and ridiculed in the playground. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties or sleepovers yet when it came to my birthday I was reprimanded by the very people who had excluded me. There’s one incident that will forever stick with me:

It was a sunny day so I’d gone into school wearing a white and red dress. I was in the playground alone, doing something mundane like hopscotch or skipping when a group of girls in my year approached me. They had come to confront me about the utterly stupid and harmless fact that my dress had straps. According to them, that wasn’t allowed. Although I was internally questioning their authority, I wasn’t particularly bothered and just said ok and moved on. However, they took it upon themselves to follow me all around the playground repeating themselves over and over until eventually they were all running after me and I consequently burst into tears. 

A teacher finally saw what happened (too little, too late), separated them and brought me up to her classroom. 

After this she established (all on her own, may I add) that I was being bullied. I was surprised. Even though these girls sometimes made me feel bad or sad, I never really saw it as them bullying me, I just kind of thought “oh, I’d rather they not do that.”

I guess I was also surprised because people couldn’t really be bullied in real life, could they? That was the sort of things that happened in the movies, not to real people, not to me.

Even now looking back, I’m hesitant to say they were bullying, I just feel like they were some stupid girls who took their spite and boredom a little too far and unfortunately I was in the way. 

I don’t know if this happened because they simply didn’t like me.

And I don’t know if this happened because the problem was with them.

But all I need to know, is that if that happened now, I would not take their shit. And to be honest, I think that’s all I need.

Standard
Uncategorized

back to the future 

what ever happened to sex, drugs and rock n’ roll? now all we’ve got left is aids, crack and techno. I’ve always been one of those annoying, pretentious pricks who believed they were born in the wrong decade but I now I think it’s less about the year and more about the people who make it up.

I, like many other people my age, would rather text someone than call them, hibernate in my room, spend an absurd amount of time on my phone, have a diet which often consists of instant noodles and have way too many arguments over way too stupid things with my parents.

This isn’t to say there aren’t many teens crossing the frontiers of technology and making brilliant new discoveries every day. I’m just not one of them and I doubt I’m going to find the cure for cancer at the bottom of my pot noodles. 

Standard
Uncategorized

the final quote

“‘Independence’ is the luxury of all those people who are too confident, and busy, and popular, and attractive to be just plain old ‘lonely’. Because being lonely is just so banal, so shaming, so plain and dull and ugly.”

So I’ve noticed people take ‘independent’ a lot better than ‘alone’, ‘loveless’ and ‘unwanted’. Funny that, I guess honesty isn’t the best policy. It’s much easier to put the truth in a pretty box with a bow on it than its pure, albeit ugly, form.

But the whole “soul mate” thing kind of throws me. I’ve got one person in this big world who is perfect – made for me even? You’ve got to admit, it’s a bit hard to believe.  

I’ve had too many crushes to count and to be completely honest with you, none of them have amounted to much. The scenarios in my head always turned out to be better than real life.. Oh dear.

Here are the rules for the challenge!

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate:

will bott

busidh

and anyone who’d like to this challenge 🙂

Standard
Uncategorized

all about dem quotes

“The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t anymore. I don’t know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.” 

I thought I’d start with the quote this time so that no one would have to go through my crappy writing to attain the pure genius of Gillian Flynn.

Anyway, as I read this quote for the first time (how ironic) it struck me as a lot closer to the truth than I’d like it to be.

I’m quite embarrassed to say that once, when someone told me their father was dead, my response was “How did they die?” 

No condolences, no apologies, already my brain was trying to turn this unfortunate event into a morbid, murder-mystery.

I will admit that anecdote didn’t have much to do with the quote but I just thought I’d share some of my embarrassing life with you. 

Moving swiftly on, here are the rules for the challenge: 

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate:

black panther

Sope

emilicious

Standard
Uncategorized

Eating Disorders

Bored and restless as usual, I had nothing to do so I decided to go through my notes and came across a poem that I wrote a while ago. It kind of shocked me because I wasn’t writing from personal experience (although I did have a friend who had suffered from this) and I think I just had a late night, ‘think I’m deep moment’. Anyway, instead of letting it collect dust, I thought I’d share it with you. Here goes: 

I’m going on a picnic 

With my two best friends

Ana and Mia, 

They’re kind of mother hens

Can’t leave the house, 

Without them by my side,

Guess you could call us 

“inseparable”

Everyone else does.

Mum keeps telling me

That they’re a bad influence.

She could never understand

That they’re what keeps me going.

We’re going on a picnic 

It’s a warm summers day,

I wasn’t sure what to bring

So I left it to Mia and Ana.

As we spread the checkered tablecloth

And sit down on the grass

Our knees so bony and fragile.

I ask

“What’s to eat”

And in unison they reply.

“We’re not hungry, are you?”

So… Yeah.

I think, nowadays, it’s so much easier to succumb to pressure – from your friends, family or even strangers. It’s also a lot more easily dismissed, even though I think everyone has a much better understanding of the issues around body image and such, as it’s becoming more common (due to increasing pressure) people will assume it’s for attention or not legitimate. I can’t really speak from personal experience but I can imagine how hard it would be to go through something like this without any support. To anyone out there who is having problems with this, please, please tell someone!

Standard
Uncategorized

a quote for your time

Ok so I think we’ve all established that I’m not good at posting regularly but I’ll try to work on that. Thank you so much to idiosyncratic thoughts over a cup of tea, my life and a journal and Kait King for the nominations, they’re such good and interesting writers they kind of make up for my terribleness so go check them out!

My plan was to do a short quote as not to bore you to death but then I remembered this from ‘Starter For Ten’ by David Nicholls (definitely one of my favourite books) and I just had to put in. Sorry? Haha, well here it is:
“I want to be able to listen to piano sonatas and know who’s playing. I want to go to classical concerts and know when you’re meant to clap. I want to be able to ‘get’ modern jazz without it all sounding like this terrible mistake, and I want to know who the Velvet Underground are exactly. I want to be fully engaged in the World of Ideas, I want to understand complex economics, and what people see in Bob Dylan. I want to possess radical but humane and well-informed political ideals, and I want to hold passionate but reasoned debates round wooden kitchen tables, saying things like ‘define your terms’ and ‘your premise is patently specious’ and then suddenly discover that the sun’s come up and we’ve been talking all night. I want to use words like ‘eponymous’ and ‘solipsistic’ and ‘utilitarian’ with confidence. I want to learn to appreciate fine wines and exotic liqueurs, and fine single malts and learn how to drink them without turning into a complete div, and to eat strange and exotic foods, plovers’ eggs and lobster thermidor, things that sound barely edible or that I can’t pronounce. I want to be able to speak many languages fluently, and maybe even a dead language or two, and to carry a small leather-bound notebook in which I jot down incisive thoughts and observations, and the occasional line of verse. Most of all I want to read books; books thick as a brick, leather bound books with extremely thin paper and those purple ribbons to mark where you left off; cheap, dusty, second-hand books of collected verse, incredibly expensive, imported books of incomprehensible essays from foreign universities. At some point, I’d like to have an original idea. And I’d like to be fancied, or maybe loved even but I’ll wait and see. And as for a job, I’m not exactly sure what I want yet, but something I don’t despise, and that doesn’t make me I’ll and that means that I don’t have to worry about money all the time.”
The quote is so long I won’t say much about it but it sums up my life pretty well. I have no idea what I want to go yet or how I’m going to achieve all that but I feel like the quote gives a good sense of wanting to improve yourself and all that jazz. 
ANYWAY
Here are the rules!

1. Post 1 quote for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources.

2. Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you!

I’d like to nominate: 

hunter pippin
quiet alison                                               a little daydreamer

Standard